Basic science will tell you that if you mix an acid and a base, they explode. You mix two ego-powered celebrities in a high profile relationship, and you get Gigli. If you mix a totally retarded game concept with an already doomed console, well, you get Cyberdillo. Yeah I know what you’re thinking, it totally sounds like a twelve-inch lesbian marital aid. What’s more interesting is finding out what were those hippies at Pixel Technologies smoking, eating, or snorting during the making of this thing. I mean, everyone wants the next big mascot, but anyone imagining an armadillo with cybernetic plunger shooting implants has to be about an inch shy of an overdose. Cyberdillo lacks both rhyme and reason and you might just leave the experience a little less sane.
Cyberdillo’s levels can best be described as a psychedelic, euphoric utopia that’s half confusion and half insanity at the same time. Ramps are EVERYWHERE and the floor can’t seem to stay level for more than three steps. The clip art that adorns the walls will have you swear you were undergoing some crazy ass experiment cooked up by the developers to see how many colors and patterns it can take to make your eyes the consistency of a fried egg. Much like the brains of the longhaired neck beards that designed it.
Level goals are as effed up as everything else. Each stage is a confusing fetch quest of keys, spiked balls, and ice traps that send you flying into bumpers that send you hurdling into even more spiked balls. Each stage has a special item with a common theme you collect to move on. One level has you looking for flowers to piss on; another has you collecting dog anuses. Not laughing yet? The hilarious level titles will definitely do the trick since they’re the only thing to rival yo mamma jokes on the top of the hilarity ladder.
As you battle through endless spiked balls and that goddamned headache behind your eyes, you might just happen across one of the nine or so enemies that’s out to get you. You’re not missing much since the menacing disembodied horse’s ass, flying fedora fish, or the fire extinguisher lack any kind of brains at all. You can find them staring off into space, or when they actually do notice you, they’ll try to bum rush you as you enter a room, then all run into the same corner where you’ll have to pick them off again and again.
Cyberdillo could almost be considered for having some of the worst weapons ever conceived for a FPS. You have your garden-variety toaster gun, a cue stick that shoots pool balls, a fairy princess wand, and a badass nuclear weapon that does the exact opposite of what a BFG does (nothing). Rounding out the list, what shitty FPS isn’t complete without its own shit gun? Unlike the Gore Galore shit gun, this shit gun looks like a .45 magnum with an ass on the end of it. The shit gun shits flying turds and the occasional skull and bones, and best yet, you collect enemas for ammo! That has to be the most unintentionally stupid segment I’ve written in my life until now. Shit gun.
What irks me most is when a game uses the main menu music as filler for level music. Cyberdillo seems to do this with outright contempt, like you slept with its girlfriend or something. Just imagine the same thirty-second loop you hear every time you want to load a game sprawled across four stages. Castration almost seems plausible at that point.
To sum it up, Cyberdillo looks and sounds like something Jerry Garcia vomited up after a night of mushrooms, a one-pound bag of skittles, and a Hulk Radiation Rush Slurpee. If you want something that’s wacky, but not just for the sake of it, then why would you own a 3DO anyways?
Since 2007, Gamescrap has brought you the the worst video games, game commercials, game merchandise, and gaming moments ever to grace the industry. No matter if it's a beloved classic or the next hot thing, no bad game is safe from the horrors of the Gamescrap heap.
Since 2007, Gamescrap has brought you the the worst video games, game commercials, game merchandise, and gaming moments ever to grace the industry. No matter if it's a beloved classic or the next hot thing, no bad game is safe from the horrors of the Gamescrap heap.