As the title implies, Lawnmower Racing Mania hails from the year 2007 and introduces gamers to the ultra sexy sport of lawnmower racing, where breakneck speeds are reached in second gear while toothless crowds that can’t afford a family outing to the local NASCAR track stare in absolute awe. The first thing you’ll realize when you open the game is that Vivendi had to have known this game would sell like shit, since all you get in the box is just a CD in a paper sleeve. If the game weren’t shrink-wrapped in the first place, I would have assumed it was used.

So what’s the game like? Well, let’s just say it fits somewhere in between Big Mutha Truckers and Big Rigs Over the Road Racing in terms of overall awfulness and general back woodsiness, (amongst other words I’d love to write down that I just made up right now) but I’ve got an article to write. Lawnmower Racing Mania 2007 is a game that defies conventions and skill all on its own, which is apparent on the game’s initial warning screen. It immediately lets you know that the speeds and stunts in the game are far more exciting and impossible than the actual real thing. If that doesn’t have you chortling, the game’s maple syrup-laden main menu will, especially when it comes equipped with what I lovingly refer to as ‘pancake music’.

Getting into the game, you’ll realize that while the game may be branded with the year 2007, the visuals look to be from 1997, and that’s even on the highest quality. Once you get past the generic fly through of the track at the start of each race, you’re ready to start mowin’! Races begin with the most gratuitous ass shot this side of Tomb Raider, but instead of some hottish chick made up of triangles, you’re treated to your rider’s bony posterior made up of even less triangles as you wait for the ready….set…MOW. Once you’re off, you’ll remember how things were back in 1997 when the world was blurry and washed out and everything was coated in a layer of Teflon. What’s that? You don’t remember 1997 being that way? Well, much like Pepperidge Farm, EV Interactive damn well remembers. You will too as you take off from the starting gate to watch the entire pack attempt to round the first turn only to use the nearest wall to ricochet themselves back onto the track in the most efficient way possible. Cornering is a futile effort here and not even the AI’s rubber bands are a match for the gravitational pull of the walls that surround you.

So what's left after all skill and strategy have been thrown out of the window? Well, you’re left with one hundred percent pure Columbian frustration. Need an example? How ‘bout the fact that one mistake will cost you a race, no matter how good you may think you're doing. Not good enough? Okay, well, how’s about the fact that you can drive on a straightaway only to have your mower (complete with rider super glued onto the seat) inexplicably start turning flips into the air. In the meantime, the entire track of racers passes you by. In the time it takes you to attempt to bounce your way back into the pack, the race is over and you’re admitting defeat to some guy named Mr. Mowjangles. Last place finishes are more than the norm; it’s almost as if they’re a way of life. At least in Big Rigs, you always won and that at least provided SOME motivation. You won’t find such mercy here.

Unlike Big Rigs, the option to upgrade parts on your mower is here. You can cash in on upgraded parts by earning bragging rights from races, but in order to earn these bragging rights you’ll have to actually place in those races, but if you can’t place, then you can’t earn…and the vicious cycle goes on from there. On top of all of the issues with bragging rights, if you’re looking for a change of scenery you’re S.O.L. there too. You’re also required to earn a set amount of points in order to move on to the next race. Some races require 1500 points in order to advance, but when you’re constantly landing yourself below fourth place, well, if you’ve got any kind of public education you should be able to deduce that’s a lot of fucking racing. Its one thing if the game were actually fun in the first place, but this can only be compared in entertainment equivalency to performing a scene-by-scene recreation of the BME pain Olympics.

The horrible visuals only contribute to the obnoxious environments you’ll end up racing through which include some sort of carnival and a ton of barren plains littered with planes, inflatable product placement bottles, and some sort of golf course in the middle of a desert. Just when you get used to the slick gravel and mud that plague most of the levels, LRM throws mercy out of the window and even gives you a couple of ice levels to attempt to traverse with even more horrifying effects.

If this article seems rambling, well, it is. Problem being that that Lawnmower Racing Mania 2007 offers no substance and absolutely no justification for the bargain bin price it’s going for. LRM 2007 does nothing for the sport of lawnmower racing, nothing to make the middle-aged, overweight guys driving those mowers any cooler, and damn well doesn’t do anything for the gimped PC gaming industry it belongs to. This game can kiss my grass…or something like that.

---