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While the adult movie industry is the most gosh darn money-makin-est industry out there, adult themes have had some rocky transitions to other mediums, namely video games. It seems that anytime an adult game is unleashed on the PC or a console, the experience is never, eeeeeeeever good. Things will either end up in one of two ways: the game is shallow as hell and gets boring within the first thirty minutes, or worse, you’re faced with digging through hours of juvenile humor just to catch a glimpse of some blurry 3D polygonal boob. In the end, it becomes pretty damn clear that while these games are rated “Adults Only”, it’s apparent that you’d have to be either twelve years old or some sort of virgin Renaissance Fair worker to get any kind of enjoyment out of them. This week’s game manages somehow to do both without the huge payoff in return. Allow me introduce you, fair reader, to “7 Sins”.

Just when you thought humanity couldn’t stoop any lower than loving and adoring a no-talent hack like Paris Hilton or the sadistic joy of reality TV, just reading this product description for Big Rigs Over the Road Racing really puts things into perspective and leaves you with a feeling so heavy, you swear you just left an three-hour eat-a-thon at the local Country Buffet.  However, this isn’t about the downfall of humanity - this is about something far, far worse. 

Unleashed on an unsuspecting public in November of 2003 and published as a budget title by the quintessential purveyors of crap, Acclaim, Big Rigs Over the Road Racing became infamous for being the worst game ever made, and you’re sure as hell going to find out why. Brought to us by a group of Russian developers called Stellar Stone LLC,  a company devoted to “provide our clients with best of gaming technologies and cut their development expenses, allowing them to concentrate on product rather than on technology hustles of development.” If anything, this game more than represents their mission statement. I originally reviewed Big Rigs in the spring of 2004, to which I described it as “[falling] in between the creative faux-pas of Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space and the Garbage Pail Kids Movie. I'd even go further as to say that Big Rigs doesn't even qualify as a game as it's more of a tech demo for a subpar 3D engine. After all, to qualify as a game, it must be interactive and I've seen fly-through demos more interactive than this.” While the product descriptions would like you to think they provide an accurate portrayal of the game, cast your belief aside as there are about 127 reasons why they’re not accurate.

Making its way around the internet for the past couple of weeks is DuLuDuBi Star, a platformer for the PC from Chinese developer FANGTE. You may notice from the gameplay vid that FANGTE doesn't seem to realize the difference between an homage and outright thievery, in this case, the victim is Super Mario Galaxy. You'll notice about twenty things wrong about ten seconds into this video from 1-up (after the stupid sponsor ad...sigh).  

If gaming innovation is what you crave, look no further than the independent developer. While larger game companies rarely venture off the beaten path and continue to give us the same kinds of games year in and year out, it’s the independent developers that are admired for bringing new, daring, and innovative ideas to the table. Look no further than games like Façade, Alien Hominid, or Crimsonland to push the envelope for innovation and offer a level of addictiveness that the folks at Blizzard could only wish to achieve. These developers rarely ask for much as their games are free, or at least affordable enough that no one would mind kicking a little bit of cash their way. It’s another thing when some kid in his parents’ basement develops an uninspired and broken knockoff running on a dated and 3D engine while attempting to drum up controversy to get his game noticed – all at the low, low price of twenty-five bucks. Sound unreal? Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Gore Galore.

Let me set the record straight right now, I’ve never really “gotten” porn games. Seriously, why do you need to play, kill, and solve puzzles to earn your wank when you can just get on the internets and snap a few off and just bypass the hassle? It just doesn’t make any sense to me, especially considering that pretty much all “adults only” games are fucking garbage anyways.  Oh hey, speaking of garbage, here’s a game I dug up from the briny bottom of the porn game barrel called Immoral Cumbat. That’s what we call a “Segway” in the “biz”.

This game mows.

Now if you were familiar with the hysterics to be experienced in Lawn Mower Racing Mania 2007, you might be laughing your ass off right now – or most likely just rolling your eyes. I’m not a betting man, so I’ll just assume you’ve never heard of Lawnmower Racing Mania, nor will I assume you’re familiar with the sport. One thing I am sure I can count on is that this game isn’t worth the cardboard it came in. Now if that cardboard has a practical use, such as lining a litter box or allowing you to blow your nose a few times, then sure, it may warrant the five bucks I paid for this gem. Unfortunately, life isn’t perfect and I got me a hick-tastic coaster to place my favorite plastic orange Wal-Mart tumbler upon; But enough about what I drink out of, though it’s slightly more interesting… I’m not a clown and I’m not here to entertain you…or am I? I forget.

Have you ever read about a game and thought to yourself “who in their right mind thought this would be a great idea?!” While your average gamer may scoff at an atrocious game idea, it seems that game companies are making these dumb decisions every day. We’ve seen it in the past with games based off bad Sylvester Stallone movies like Driven, or games just plain based off lame comic book characters like Aqua Man. Still, the folks in their ivory towers and glass houses feel these ideas will actually gain some sort of profit. So with E3 2007 now in the books and most of the holiday releases already announced, let’s take a look at three games that are just plain stupid and ill conceived that are due out on the shelves of your local Game Stop and Wal-Mart for full price in the very near future.